How to Drive a Car

Is it just me or does no one know how to drive a car anymore? Honestly, am I the only one who knows how to drive correctly because it certainly seems that way. I can't drive 25 from my house anymore without wanting to toss a Molotov cocktail through someone's driver's side window. I think you should have to pass an IQ test in order to drive and, if you can't pass, you get to ride a moped to work. So for all you assholes on wheels out there, here are a few friendly reminders on how to operate your vehicle:

1) Press the fucking gas pedal

The gas pedal is the pedal located on the right near your feet in most vehicles. Please do not confuse it with the brake...yes, that's the brake...see how you're not moving? Oh, you're driving down a hill? It's the gas you want to press, not the brake...no, please stop braking...there's no one in front of you...what are you braking for? Drive...drive...DRIVE, ASSHOLE, DRIVE! Drive the fucking speed limit or else I will run up next to your car, punch through your window, and choke the life out of you while you're still rolling down the road ten miles under the speed limit.

2) Green means go, asshole

It seems some people need a reminder on the simple color code on traffic signals. Red means to stop your vehicle. Yellow means to quick speed up so I can get through the light, too. Green means to drive your fucking car. It's not a stop sign. You don't have to look both ways before you lightly press your dainty foot against the gas pedal. In fact, you don't have to look anywhere. All you have to do is DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR! You should also be looking at the signal, waiting for it to change. You shouldn't be checking the message on your phone or rubbing one out quick or whatever the hell it is that you're doing. Watch the signal and when it turns green, drive, dipshit. As my father used to say, It ain't gettin' any greener, BITCH!

3) The right lane is the designated lane for slow-driving dipshits

It seems like many people aren't aware of this rule, but, if you drive slow as balls, you actually belong in the right hand lane. This has been designated the asshole lane and it's where you belong. People who actually want to get where they're going before Armageddon rolls around belong in the left lanes or "passing lanes." If you're out for a nice stroll down a five-lane highway, you don't belong in the passing lanes on the left. No, you belong in your driveway sitting behind the wheel making motor sounds with your mouth. If that's not an option, then stay in the right lane, thanks. And to all those assholes behind me in the left lane, please don't fucking pass the slow ass bastard on the right because, by doing that, you prevent him/her from ever moving the fuck over and getting out of my way, making you an even bigger asshole...if you can believe such a thing exists...

So there's three simple rules to driving safely...and by safely, I mean I won't fire a flare gun through your open window when I pull up next to you at a light.

A Stupid Three Year Old Cunt Throws a Baseball...

...and the world goes fucking insane.

Are you serious?

Is this actually news?!

Why is it that for the past two days I haven't been able to turn on a television or radio without hearing about this dumbass dad who caught a foul ball at a Phillies' game and then gave the ball to his three-year-old daughter who then threw it back onto the field?

WHO FUCKING CARES?!

This is not news. If you want to talk about Pennsylvania news, let's talk about the fact that the state STILL doesn't have an approved budget. That seems more important than some fucking feel-good bullshit story about a foul ball.

Honestly, I can't believe that ANYBODY wants to hear about this story but someone must if the news monkeys keep chattering about it. I honestly just don't have a clue as to why this might be even slightly interesting. If I caught a foul ball at a baseball game, I'd throw it onto the field, too. Who wants a ball a bunch of fucking pussy baseball players played with? Fuck that. I wouldn't even bother to catch it. I'd just let it bean the asshole behind me in the face.

I guess the heart-warming part of this story is that the dad wasn't mad at the daughter. He just hugged her and smiled like some creepy pedophile after his daughter threw his prized ball out onto the field, but fuck, what was the guy going to do? Beat the shit out of his daughter while he was displayed to the world on the jumbotron? Of course he was going to hug her. He was waiting to get home to take the paddle to her stupid ass. At least the story might have been interesting if he would have picked her up and tossed her like a human javelin onto the field for being so fucking retarded, but I'm sorry, a hug is just not entertaining at all.

I'm bored just writing about this story. Wake me up when the next celebrity dies...

Our Country is Run by a Bunch of Clowns

What a sad, sad world we live in...

I'm sorry, but it's become painfully obvious that our country is run by a bunch of fucking idiot clowns. The people making important decisions in this country are so fucking stupid it terrifies me as an intelligent individual. I fear for the survival of America as we know it.

Want evidence? Check out this video of Obama's speech to congress concerning health care reform: http://www.wtvr.com/wtvr-cantor-texting-during-obama-speech,0,6447077.story

Unfortunately for the Republican party, both of these assholes are members of their party. Republicans are getting angrier and more desperate by the day after the complete annihilation of their party at the hands of Bush Jr. This kind of bullshit doesn't help.

One of the members of our government felt the best way to voice his displeasure with our president was to scream out, "You lie!" in the middle of his speech. That's fucking childish. Joe Wilson, you, sir, are a fucking moron and should be removed from your position and replaced by a super-intelligent duck or parrot that would probably do just as good of a job.

Then you have this other fucking brain-dead asshole, Eric Cantor, sitting in the front row texting his fucking brains out when he should be paying attention to Obama's speech. And I highly doubt he was taking notes on his Blackberry. BULLSHIT! He was probably updating his Twitter page or something equally as stupid.

Obama brushed off Wilson's outburst by saying, "We all make mistakes." No. Not good enough. If you're a member of our government charged with the responsibility of running this country, you shouldn't be making mistakes like that. I wouldn't expect a high school senior to make mistakes like this. If you make mistakes on that level, you should be fucking tossed out on your ass, beheaded, and your empty skull should be placed on a fucking pike on the White House lawn.

If these are the people in charge of running our country, then maybe it's time to rethink our government. I certainly don't see enough leaders available to justify congress and the house any longer. I say each state gets one representative and that's that. I pray to God we can come up with at least 50 leaders in this country but even that's wishful thinking. In the end, the bottom line is that we're all fucked...

The Two-Party System has Failed Us

There are two major problems in this country right now that must be eliminated immediately:

The first is Democrats.
The second is Republicans.

If we can just eliminate these two problems, we'll all be much better off.

Never has this been more clear than now during the health care war underway in this country. To call it a "debate" is a total understatement. Watch any of the town hall meetings on television and tell me we aren't on the brink of mass hysteria. These republicans are crazed about health care reform...and no, it's not because they don't approve of health care reform (Can anyone disagree that the current system is completely fucked?), but they're pissed because their "team" is losing right now and they're going to do anything they can to make sure Democrats don't succeed because that would make their "team" look bad.

Look, I'm not a democrat or a republican. I am a registered independent voter so I honestly don't have an agenda blue or red.

The problem with the two-party system is that it promotes "team politics." What happens when you turn political parties into teams? Well, common sense goes out the window and, instead of individuals voting on what's right or wrong, you have individuals voting to promote their team's integrity. It doesn't matter if the right man gets into office as long as your team wins. Then you can brag about how your team was victorious and you can feel like you've accomplished something when you really haven't done shit.

Want proof the system is fucked? Anyone remember the 2000 election between Bush II and Ecoman? We had two mediocre candidates (at best) vying for the presidency of the most powerful nation on the planet and we all know how that turned out. So basically if Hitler came back to life and ran Republican and Satan materialized and ran Democrat with Ross Perot as an independent candidate, we'd be looking at Hitler or Satan as president because everyone in America has been brainwashed into believing that voting independent is "throwing your vote away." I wonder who started that fallacy? Hmm...

Look, we need either 1000 parties or one party. With 1000 parties, Americans would be forced to take an interest in politics and actually know something about the people they're voting for. Of course, that's never going to happen so I actually support the alternative: one party. Wait...isn't that a dictatorship? You're damn right it is and it's exactly what America needs right now. Instead of the country being run by a bunch of dipshits, let's just let one really smart guy run things. I support it 100%. Maybe something would actually get done in this country.

Right now, we have a government of Republicans and Democrats poking each other in the eye and doing what's right for their party instead of what's right for their country. Let's pull all their heads out of the asses of the Big Blue Donkey and the Big Red Elephant and put these clowns back to work for their true masters: you and me.

How to have a Hardcore Wedding

Take a look above: You may think you're staring at some sort of demonic, ancient ritual, but this is actually a picture from my wedding. God, don't I look happy?

Listen, weddings suck. In my last blog, I explained three reasons why most weddings suck balls so badly. There's really no reason why weddings need to be such lame events. If you want to have a totally hardcore wedding, simply include the following:

#1: Entrance Music

Most weddings go like this: The groom and his groomsmen stumble out to the front of the church in silence and wait for the bride to walk out to some pussy song that goes like this, Dum dum dumdum. Dum dum dumdum. LAME! This is your fucking special day! Both the bride and the groom need to make an entrance. Some pussy piano music just isn't going to cut it. You need to rock some Korn, Metallica, Ramstein, Slipknot - anything that fucking rocks. At least one person in your congregation should have his/her face caved in by the sheer hardcore power of your entrance music. If your church is run by a bunch of pussies, I guess you could come out to a piano cover of a hardcore song. Check out this cover of Enter Sandman on the piano: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OE68YN--pdk

#2: An Animal Sacrifice

I'm not sure why this tradition has been lost in time, but it's time for a resurrection. Listen: Anyone who claims to know what God wants is an idiot. No one understands God and all His complexities, but I think we can all agree on one thing: God likes when you murder animals in His name. Anyone who says differently is a communist. Do you really want to take the chance of pissing God off by NOT killing a goat or koala bear in His name? I know I didn't, which is why I hired a butcher to oversee my wedding instead of a priest. All you need to ensure years of marital bliss is a machete and a poorly secured petting zoo. Offer the head to Zeus or Tom Cruise or whoever it is you worship and then serve the rest to your guests. Bonus benefit: Covers dinner.

#3: Live Sex Celebration

Of all the lame parts of the wedding guests have to suffer through (the ceremony, reception, toasts, dancing, eating cake), they rarely get to witness the best part: the consummation of the wedding. If you're forcing your guests to participate in every other part of the wedding, you might as well allow them to see the event to its conclusion. That's why I suggest ending your special day with a live sex celebration. All your guests gather around your marital bed and watch you bang the shit out of your wife for the "first time" (ha...yeah...first time...). For a dollar, each guest can purchase a slice of bologna he/she can then try to stick to your bride's ass while you pork her. Your grandmother's pictures alone will make you glad you included your entire family on your big night.

So there you have it, three ways to make your wedding bash totally hardcore. Oh, and a pinata...no celebration is complete without a pinata full of coleslaw or mashed potatoes...you choose.

Why Weddings Suck

I'm at that annoying age where everyone I know is making the mistake of getting married, and, unfortunately, they invite me and I feel obligated to go. There is NOTHING I hate worse than weddings. They're cliche, uncomfortable events that will most likely end in divorce, and the worst part is that if it leads to divorce, there's the chance there could be another wedding...kill me.

The real problem with weddings is that if you've been to one wedding, you've been to every wedding you'll ever attend. They all include the same, unnecessary bullshit that makes you want to choke out the groom with the bride's garter. Why do weddings suck so badly? Here are three major reasons:

#1: Maid-of-Honor speeches where the chick can't make it through the speech without sobbing and crying like a fucking stupid bitch

"I just wanted (sob) I just wanted to say that (sniffle) I just wanted to say that I am so happy Stacy (tears streaming down face) that Stacy finally found someone (hysterical bawling) - I'm sorry - I promised myself I wouldn't do this..."

But you broke your promise, bitch, so you should sit down and shut the fuck up so we can finally eat the dog shit they're about to serve! Seriously, if you can't make it through your bullshit speech without crying, then you don't get to give one. At the first sign of a sniffle or snot stream, the microphone should be ripped from the chick's hand, she should be punched in the ovaries, and the food should be served. Besides, we all know that cunt secretly hates the bride for being the one getting married while she still lives alone in her apartment with her dog that she's trained to lick peanut butter off her pussy lips. Shut up and serve the food...

#2: Dancing

Unless you're black or Latino, money should not be wasted on a DJ or a reception hall large enough to contain a dance floor. It's pointless. If it's a mostly Caucasian wedding, here's what will happen: The DJ (who looks like a pedophile in a tuxedo) will start to play cliche wedding songs (Celebration, The Electric Slide, YMCA, other crap...) and 90% of the guests will sit in their chairs and look awkward while the drunk people and club rats dance poorly (because they're white) for two or three songs and then abandon the dance floor, leaving the dance floor empty and the pedophile DJ with nothing to do but attempt to find the best-looking underage teen he can trick into the back of his van with promises of a free iPod. It's a waste of money. Plus, the music will be so fucking loud that the people who aren't dancing (97% of your guests after the initial surge) won't be able to hear each other or interact in any way. Save the money on the DJ and order a nacho fountain instead. You won't be sorry...

(Disclaimer: If you're going to be hosting a mostly Caucasian wedding and you plan on having dancing, never, under any circumstances, invite black people or a gay guy to your wedding. They will only magnify the whiteness of your other guests by 200%. Lesbians are ok because everyone knows dykes can't dance.)

#3: Glassing Tinging

TINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTING TING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's that noise? It's the sound of dozens of assholes making demands at YOUR wedding! The most annoying wedding tradition has to be the one where guests strike their glasses with silverware until the bride and groom kiss. This isn't a fucking hostage negotiation. You don't tell me what to do at my wedding, assholes! If I want to kiss my stupid bitch wife it'll be because I'm drunk and horny, not because a couple of overzealous perverts are attacking the wine flutes. What? If you start pounding your plates off the table, does that mean I have to toss her salad while you watch? Does it? You'd like that, wouldn't you, you fucking twisted bastards. You make me sick...

So if you plan on getting married, don't include any of these disastrous activities on your special day. In my next blog, I'll instruct you on how to have a kick-ass, hardcore wedding that will be carved into the minds of your guests for all eternity and, yes, the festivities do include animal sacrifices. Stay tuned...

Obamacare for Dummies

With all the talk of health care lately, lots of stupid people have asked me to explain the benefits and drawbacks of Obama’s universal health care plan. Allow me to do that for all of you who are too cool to be informed about a plan that could decide whether you live or die someday. Because it’s so complicated, I’ll simply cover the worst drawback and the best benefit of Obamacare.

Major Drawback: Some idiot from the state (with the intelligence of a chair) will decide whether you live or die.

One of the major drawbacks of a government-run health care system is that the entire system is run by the government. If you’re on the government plan and you get sick, a state employee will have to crunch the numbers to decide whether or not it is economically beneficial for you to continue living. If it’s not, then you don’t receive the treatment – it all comes down to the numbers. Therefore, the government literally holds your life in its bumbling, inefficient hands.

Major Benefit: Old and disabled people will die.

The major benefit of Obamacare is that thousands of useless members of the species will die. Since it’s not economically feasible to treat the elderly or the disabled, they’ll simply die off as nature intended. Human beings aren’t meant to live into their 80’s, 90’s, or 100’s, and they’re certainly not meant to live with half a brain and a tiny hand (Take my strong hand!). Instead of pumping these people full of pills and hooking them up to generators so they can cling to life for an extra decade or two, these people will be put down like dogs and I applaud the change. Once a human being can no longer perform manual labor, he or she is useless to the human race. If old people had any pride whatsoever, they would simply crawl under a neighbor’s porch and die to provide oxygen and other resources for younger members of the species.

An additional benefit of elderly and disabled people dying by the thousands is that Walmart will go out of business since all their employees will be dead.


Dumbed Down Version: Obamacare is good if you hate old people but bad if you are one.