How to have a Hardcore Wedding

Take a look above: You may think you're staring at some sort of demonic, ancient ritual, but this is actually a picture from my wedding. God, don't I look happy?

Listen, weddings suck. In my last blog, I explained three reasons why most weddings suck balls so badly. There's really no reason why weddings need to be such lame events. If you want to have a totally hardcore wedding, simply include the following:

#1: Entrance Music

Most weddings go like this: The groom and his groomsmen stumble out to the front of the church in silence and wait for the bride to walk out to some pussy song that goes like this, Dum dum dumdum. Dum dum dumdum. LAME! This is your fucking special day! Both the bride and the groom need to make an entrance. Some pussy piano music just isn't going to cut it. You need to rock some Korn, Metallica, Ramstein, Slipknot - anything that fucking rocks. At least one person in your congregation should have his/her face caved in by the sheer hardcore power of your entrance music. If your church is run by a bunch of pussies, I guess you could come out to a piano cover of a hardcore song. Check out this cover of Enter Sandman on the piano: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OE68YN--pdk

#2: An Animal Sacrifice

I'm not sure why this tradition has been lost in time, but it's time for a resurrection. Listen: Anyone who claims to know what God wants is an idiot. No one understands God and all His complexities, but I think we can all agree on one thing: God likes when you murder animals in His name. Anyone who says differently is a communist. Do you really want to take the chance of pissing God off by NOT killing a goat or koala bear in His name? I know I didn't, which is why I hired a butcher to oversee my wedding instead of a priest. All you need to ensure years of marital bliss is a machete and a poorly secured petting zoo. Offer the head to Zeus or Tom Cruise or whoever it is you worship and then serve the rest to your guests. Bonus benefit: Covers dinner.

#3: Live Sex Celebration

Of all the lame parts of the wedding guests have to suffer through (the ceremony, reception, toasts, dancing, eating cake), they rarely get to witness the best part: the consummation of the wedding. If you're forcing your guests to participate in every other part of the wedding, you might as well allow them to see the event to its conclusion. That's why I suggest ending your special day with a live sex celebration. All your guests gather around your marital bed and watch you bang the shit out of your wife for the "first time" (ha...yeah...first time...). For a dollar, each guest can purchase a slice of bologna he/she can then try to stick to your bride's ass while you pork her. Your grandmother's pictures alone will make you glad you included your entire family on your big night.

So there you have it, three ways to make your wedding bash totally hardcore. Oh, and a pinata...no celebration is complete without a pinata full of coleslaw or mashed potatoes...you choose.

Why Weddings Suck

I'm at that annoying age where everyone I know is making the mistake of getting married, and, unfortunately, they invite me and I feel obligated to go. There is NOTHING I hate worse than weddings. They're cliche, uncomfortable events that will most likely end in divorce, and the worst part is that if it leads to divorce, there's the chance there could be another wedding...kill me.

The real problem with weddings is that if you've been to one wedding, you've been to every wedding you'll ever attend. They all include the same, unnecessary bullshit that makes you want to choke out the groom with the bride's garter. Why do weddings suck so badly? Here are three major reasons:

#1: Maid-of-Honor speeches where the chick can't make it through the speech without sobbing and crying like a fucking stupid bitch

"I just wanted (sob) I just wanted to say that (sniffle) I just wanted to say that I am so happy Stacy (tears streaming down face) that Stacy finally found someone (hysterical bawling) - I'm sorry - I promised myself I wouldn't do this..."

But you broke your promise, bitch, so you should sit down and shut the fuck up so we can finally eat the dog shit they're about to serve! Seriously, if you can't make it through your bullshit speech without crying, then you don't get to give one. At the first sign of a sniffle or snot stream, the microphone should be ripped from the chick's hand, she should be punched in the ovaries, and the food should be served. Besides, we all know that cunt secretly hates the bride for being the one getting married while she still lives alone in her apartment with her dog that she's trained to lick peanut butter off her pussy lips. Shut up and serve the food...

#2: Dancing

Unless you're black or Latino, money should not be wasted on a DJ or a reception hall large enough to contain a dance floor. It's pointless. If it's a mostly Caucasian wedding, here's what will happen: The DJ (who looks like a pedophile in a tuxedo) will start to play cliche wedding songs (Celebration, The Electric Slide, YMCA, other crap...) and 90% of the guests will sit in their chairs and look awkward while the drunk people and club rats dance poorly (because they're white) for two or three songs and then abandon the dance floor, leaving the dance floor empty and the pedophile DJ with nothing to do but attempt to find the best-looking underage teen he can trick into the back of his van with promises of a free iPod. It's a waste of money. Plus, the music will be so fucking loud that the people who aren't dancing (97% of your guests after the initial surge) won't be able to hear each other or interact in any way. Save the money on the DJ and order a nacho fountain instead. You won't be sorry...

(Disclaimer: If you're going to be hosting a mostly Caucasian wedding and you plan on having dancing, never, under any circumstances, invite black people or a gay guy to your wedding. They will only magnify the whiteness of your other guests by 200%. Lesbians are ok because everyone knows dykes can't dance.)

#3: Glassing Tinging

TINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTING TING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's that noise? It's the sound of dozens of assholes making demands at YOUR wedding! The most annoying wedding tradition has to be the one where guests strike their glasses with silverware until the bride and groom kiss. This isn't a fucking hostage negotiation. You don't tell me what to do at my wedding, assholes! If I want to kiss my stupid bitch wife it'll be because I'm drunk and horny, not because a couple of overzealous perverts are attacking the wine flutes. What? If you start pounding your plates off the table, does that mean I have to toss her salad while you watch? Does it? You'd like that, wouldn't you, you fucking twisted bastards. You make me sick...

So if you plan on getting married, don't include any of these disastrous activities on your special day. In my next blog, I'll instruct you on how to have a kick-ass, hardcore wedding that will be carved into the minds of your guests for all eternity and, yes, the festivities do include animal sacrifices. Stay tuned...

Obamacare for Dummies

With all the talk of health care lately, lots of stupid people have asked me to explain the benefits and drawbacks of Obama’s universal health care plan. Allow me to do that for all of you who are too cool to be informed about a plan that could decide whether you live or die someday. Because it’s so complicated, I’ll simply cover the worst drawback and the best benefit of Obamacare.

Major Drawback: Some idiot from the state (with the intelligence of a chair) will decide whether you live or die.

One of the major drawbacks of a government-run health care system is that the entire system is run by the government. If you’re on the government plan and you get sick, a state employee will have to crunch the numbers to decide whether or not it is economically beneficial for you to continue living. If it’s not, then you don’t receive the treatment – it all comes down to the numbers. Therefore, the government literally holds your life in its bumbling, inefficient hands.

Major Benefit: Old and disabled people will die.

The major benefit of Obamacare is that thousands of useless members of the species will die. Since it’s not economically feasible to treat the elderly or the disabled, they’ll simply die off as nature intended. Human beings aren’t meant to live into their 80’s, 90’s, or 100’s, and they’re certainly not meant to live with half a brain and a tiny hand (Take my strong hand!). Instead of pumping these people full of pills and hooking them up to generators so they can cling to life for an extra decade or two, these people will be put down like dogs and I applaud the change. Once a human being can no longer perform manual labor, he or she is useless to the human race. If old people had any pride whatsoever, they would simply crawl under a neighbor’s porch and die to provide oxygen and other resources for younger members of the species.

An additional benefit of elderly and disabled people dying by the thousands is that Walmart will go out of business since all their employees will be dead.


Dumbed Down Version: Obamacare is good if you hate old people but bad if you are one.

Face it Black People: America Hates Mexicans Now!

Black people who act like assholes and then claim they get in trouble because they're black are...well...assholes.

If this whole Officer Crawley/Professor Gates arrest debacle has taught America anything it's that black people aren't done feeling sorry for themselves yet. Now, I'm not claiming that racism is extinct (it never will be), but black people need to realize that they can't play the race card anymore. You're simply NOT ALLOWED to play it anymore; it's off the table. On January 20, 2009, all the excuses officially came to an end when Barack Obama became President of the United States. Before that day, the following were acceptable:

I didn't get accepted into the college I wanted...must be because I'M BLACK!

I didn't get that big raise at work...must be because I'M BLACK!

Now that shit doesn't work. You're black and you didn't get something you wanted? Well, must be because you suck. If a black man can become president, then I'm pretty sure that means a black man, with a little hard work, can acheive pretty much anything...no more excuses. One of the reasons so many white people voted for Obama was so this entire race thing would finally come to an end. Black people have made it, you've succeeded...you've acheived equality...quit playing the race card and take some responsibility for your failures. Tell Jesse Jackson to shut the hell up.

Shit, black people aren't even the most hated minority in America anymore. Latinos are treated way worse than blacks. How close are we to having a Latino become president? Answer: a ways. If one tried, there would be millions claiming he/she should be deported for taking an American's job.

I know black people will claim that I'm a racist for writing this (even though I'm a Native American/Irish/Eskimo albino Jew), but I'm not. I'm just sick of all this race bullshit as I believe most Millenials - people born between 1980 and 2000 - are equally sick of people bitching about their race and about how "whitey" is out to get them. We're over it. The only people I hate are stupid people, and stupidity knows no color, religious, or gender boundaries.

Dumbed Down Version: Kill Whitey...

The Most Annoying Songs of Summer 2009 (Part III: With a Vengeance)

The #1 most annoying song of the summer: "Do You Know Your Enemy?" by Green Day

I know I'm going to take a lot of heat for targeting Green Day (since apparently they're God split into three guys with musical instruments), but their song "Do you know your enemy?" is by far the most uninspired, over hyped, overplayed piece of flaming dog turd of a song I've ever heard. For anyone who hasn't been around the radio for the past three months or anyone whose ears were gnawed off by rabid squirrels, let me describe the song for you. It goes like this...

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?" x 26

It says that shit 26 times in a row - 26 fucking times - to start the song. By then you're so fucking bored and pissed off, you can't pay attention long enough to learn if there are any other words besides the title of the song in the damn song.

This song represents everything that is wrong with popular music today. Everyone walked around beating off to "American Idiot" in 2004 because Green Day took shots at George Bush. Wow...taking shots at Bush...how original and PUNK ROCK! Now, since all the critics love them, they could literally record an album of a 500-lb. woman queefing into a microphone for 64 minutes and it would still become the #1 album in the universe based on nothing more than reputation. The Beatles did the same thing with "Yellow Submarine." They dropped a shitload of acid and just said, "Let's write a song about whatever our acid-soaked brains can conjure up and say the same thing over and over again and see if people are stupid enough to think it's awesome." Guess what? They did.

Green Day's album, 21st century breakdown, was the #1 record in America BEFORE IT WAS EVEN RELEASED. How is that even possible? You mean to tell me it was the best album in the country before anyone even heard it? You tell me that isn't the perfect example of sheep mentality this country has to offer. The song sucks. Green Day sucks. Anyone who likes them sucks. Anyone who wants to point out that the song debuted in April and shouldn't be included in "songs of the summer" sucks. Fuck you. Fuck you. You're cool. Fuck you. I'm out.

Dumbed Down Version: Do you know your enemy? Yes, I do. It's Green Day. Fuck them.

The Most Annoying Songs of Summer 2009 (Part II)

#2: "Boom Boom Pow" by The Black Eyed Peas

"Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas is the most overplayed piece of shit...ever. I hate this song so much that, instead of including a picture of the band, I've instead displayed a picture of a bunch of actual black-eyed peas. Take that, Fergie!

Seriously, though, "Boom Boom Pow" isn't really any worse than any other repetitive pop song, but it is so goddamn overplayed that it overshadows any of those other songs and transcends the boundary separating songs I would wipe my ass with and songs I would use to plug Oprah's asshole after an all-you-can-eat rib buffet during her heavy flow period day. That's right; "Boom Boom Pow" belongs in Oprah's anal crevice.

This song is literally every third song on the radio (usually played between 3oh!3's "Don't Trust Me" and The Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta Feeling"). Here's an actual transcript from an anonymous radio station:

"That was The Black Eyed Peas with "Boom Boom Pow." Now we have to play 37 minutes of commercials, but when we get back we'll hit you up with some "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas."

See? They're just playing this shit too much. After listening to the radio at work for a few weeks, I've realized the formula for writing a successful pop song:

Step One: Write a song that is nothing but four minutes of chorus.

Step Two: Make sure the song is played on the radio 678 times a day until it drills its way into the listeners' cerebral cortex, forcing listeners to forget the name of their state senators but ensuring they'll be humming your song for weeks.

Step Three: Jerk off with hundred dollar bills wrapped around your cock.

And it's that simple. Radio stations, please, for the love of Buddha, please stop playing this song...I just can't take it anymore...

Dumbed Down Version: I'm so 3000 and 8. You're so 2000 and late...

The Most Annoying Songs of Summer 2009 (Part I)

Every summer has a soundtrack, and, like most soundtracks, this summer's soundtrack sucks dick. Over the next three days, I'm going to count down the three worst songs of Summer 2K9 listed from least most annoying to most most annoying (Disregard the fact that the summer is only half over. I can only pray nothing more annoying is released before the end of August):

#3: "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3

First of all, you know this band is going to suck harder than an Argentinan whore at Mark Sandford's birthday party simply by their name. It's not 3O3 or even 3OH3 but 3Oh!3. God, that exclamation point is so punk rock! Retarded...

Second, do you see the picture of the woman on the right? Does she look like a woman who's going to start any kind of dance craze (It's Helen Keller by the way)? This is a woman who wasn't smart enough to see or hear. If she even attempted to dance, she would trip over a stool and snap her neck. Her last words would be, "Wah-wah!"

So please explain to me why a band would include the following lyrics in their song:

"Shush girl, shut your lips,
Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips."

What the fuck?! When I first heard this song, I honestly thought it was a joke song the radio had written. At the time I thought it was pretty funny. Then I found out it was a real song, and I was sad for Helen Keller. Hasn't the poor woman suffered enough without 3oh!3 including her in their shitty song? Since Helen Keller can't speak (mainly because she's dead), I will speak on her behalf: Fuck you, 3oh!3. I wish I was deaf. Then I wouldn't be forced to listen to your shittastic song on the radio at work. Although, I'm sure even signed, the song would suck dick.

Dumbed Down Version: WAH-WAH!