I think there are a lot of people who are confused out there. Let me clear something up for you: The purpose of work...is to DO WORK. It's not to chit-chat. It's not to share your life story with me. Shut the fuck up and do whatever it is that you're being paid to do. If we're co-workers, that just means I'm getting paid to do the same thing next to you. It doesn't mean I have to listen to you or like you or even acknowledge that you fucking exist.
The work ethic in this country is fucking pathetic. No one treats work with any respect anymore. You should have two selves: a work you and a home you. When you go to work, put your game face on. You should not be the same person at work as you are at home, I don't care what your fucking high school guidance counselor told you about being yourself. At work, be a better version of you.
I just can't believe the things people who I just met AT WORK are willing to share after knowing me for a grand total of three days. I don't want to hear about your recent surgery. I don't want to hear about your kids or your recent divorce or how your first husband left you because you think he's gay but then he went swimming in a quarry and hit his head and drowned. I should not know more about your life than I know about my own fucking family members. Notice that I haven't said anything to you other than my first name? Well, follow that example and that's exactly how much I want to know about you personally.
And while we're on the subject, don't bitch that your boss isn't personable. I don't want my boss to be personable. I want my boss to stay out of my face and locked in his office playing solitaire on his computer. I don't want to tell him about my vacation, I don't want to tell him about what I did last night, I don't want to tell him anything. He's my boss, not my friend.
Are we really such weak-minded individuals that we can't tell the difference anymore? Not everyone has to like you. Some of us just have to work with you...SO SHUT UP!
Dumbed Down Version: Work is for work. Not work is for bullshitting. Know the difference.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Fuck Independence Day
For my post for this month, I'd like to focus on the sham that occurs on the fourth day of July every year known as Independence Day. The entire celebration of America's birthday makes me fucking sick; the traditions, the feigned patriotism, and, of course, we can't forget about those goddamn fireworks. The sad thing is that July 4th is the perfect metaphor for the current state of America: Americans stuffing their faces, drinking beer, and then entertaining themselves by staring blindly into the sky at a bunch of bright lights and loud noises. Fucking pathetic...
My real complaint is this: What exactly is there to celebrate? Take a look at the current state of our country, our government, our citizens. July 4th shouldn't be a day of celebration; no, it should be a day of mourning, a wake for our once great country. The America we all think we live in, the one we learn about in history class in high schools from coast to coast, it's dead. The sad thing is it never really existed in the first place.
Instead of Independence Day being a day of gluttony, the holiday should be a day of revolution. It should be a day where Americans rise up and demand the America we've all been promised, the America we deserve. Instead of staring blindly into the sky, we should look into our hearts, into our souls, and ask ourselves how we could allow our country to rot while we stand idly by and eat hot dogs. Our generation's great war is upon us. We must rescue America from its most dangerous enemy since its birth on July 4, 1796.
We must save America from itself.
My real complaint is this: What exactly is there to celebrate? Take a look at the current state of our country, our government, our citizens. July 4th shouldn't be a day of celebration; no, it should be a day of mourning, a wake for our once great country. The America we all think we live in, the one we learn about in history class in high schools from coast to coast, it's dead. The sad thing is it never really existed in the first place.
Instead of Independence Day being a day of gluttony, the holiday should be a day of revolution. It should be a day where Americans rise up and demand the America we've all been promised, the America we deserve. Instead of staring blindly into the sky, we should look into our hearts, into our souls, and ask ourselves how we could allow our country to rot while we stand idly by and eat hot dogs. Our generation's great war is upon us. We must rescue America from its most dangerous enemy since its birth on July 4, 1796.
We must save America from itself.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Chicks Don't Need Dicks
The world has fallen out of balance. The scales balancing the powers of male and female have fallen lopsided in the favor of masculinity.
In our modern society, being a "strong woman" means a woman must act like a man. The problem is that world works best when the female and male are in harmony - balanced. Now, this doesn't mean women should vacuum and bake chicken pot pie and men should hunt and scratch their nuts. I'm not talking about stereotypical gender roles here. The balance I'm speaking of is more basic.
Everything in the world is meant to be balanced. The Powers That Be created two genders who would compliment each other and exist in harmony. Women were created to be nurturers - sympathetic, selfless, and protective of their offspring. Men, on the other hand, were meant to be laborers - productive, strong of will, and defenders of their family unit. Unfortunately, in addition to the positive aspects of masculinity, there are also an abundance of negative qualities, the most dangerous being their insatiable desire to need, to consume, to want. The feminine was designed to keep these desires in check.
Unfortunately, over the past decade, women have been evolving more and more into the masculine role. Now it is no longer just men who are slaves to decadence. Now women want and women need just as insatiably, if not more so, than men. In a desperate attempt to be treated like equals, women have convinced themselves that they can achieve this goal by acting like a man, namely like a self-centered prick.
Now men, displaced by masculine women, find themselves without a role, without a place in the world. Machines have also usurped their role. This has created a large male population who shy away from work because their female partner has become the laborer, forcing them to sit in their basement and play video games for days upon days in order to simulate the adventure males seek by nature. Kids are being raised by no one because mothers work and fathers work or simply refuse to accept the nurturer role in the relationship. When no one accepts the nurturing role in a family, a generation of lost children will rise and burn the Earth to its core.
There's a reason why the symbol for perfect unity is the symbol for masculinity (the triangle) intersected by the symbol for femininity (the inverted triangle). Male and females are meant to exist in harmony and, now that that balance is broken, peace will not be found in this world until the scales of masculinity and femininity can be balanced once more.
In our modern society, being a "strong woman" means a woman must act like a man. The problem is that world works best when the female and male are in harmony - balanced. Now, this doesn't mean women should vacuum and bake chicken pot pie and men should hunt and scratch their nuts. I'm not talking about stereotypical gender roles here. The balance I'm speaking of is more basic.
Everything in the world is meant to be balanced. The Powers That Be created two genders who would compliment each other and exist in harmony. Women were created to be nurturers - sympathetic, selfless, and protective of their offspring. Men, on the other hand, were meant to be laborers - productive, strong of will, and defenders of their family unit. Unfortunately, in addition to the positive aspects of masculinity, there are also an abundance of negative qualities, the most dangerous being their insatiable desire to need, to consume, to want. The feminine was designed to keep these desires in check.
Unfortunately, over the past decade, women have been evolving more and more into the masculine role. Now it is no longer just men who are slaves to decadence. Now women want and women need just as insatiably, if not more so, than men. In a desperate attempt to be treated like equals, women have convinced themselves that they can achieve this goal by acting like a man, namely like a self-centered prick.
Now men, displaced by masculine women, find themselves without a role, without a place in the world. Machines have also usurped their role. This has created a large male population who shy away from work because their female partner has become the laborer, forcing them to sit in their basement and play video games for days upon days in order to simulate the adventure males seek by nature. Kids are being raised by no one because mothers work and fathers work or simply refuse to accept the nurturer role in the relationship. When no one accepts the nurturing role in a family, a generation of lost children will rise and burn the Earth to its core.
There's a reason why the symbol for perfect unity is the symbol for masculinity (the triangle) intersected by the symbol for femininity (the inverted triangle). Male and females are meant to exist in harmony and, now that that balance is broken, peace will not be found in this world until the scales of masculinity and femininity can be balanced once more.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Power of Hate
You know, I feel like hate gets a bad rap. Everyone is always talking about the power of love, how the power of love conquors all...bullshit.
Nothing is greater than the movivating powers of hate. If you page through the history books, you'll see that it's been Hate, and not Love, that has been the great catalyst for change throughout the annals of history. Let me tell you about Love. Love is content. Love is lazy. Love is oblivious to the true nature of its own surroundings. Love can't change shit. It's Hate that will forge the future out of molten lead and steel. Hate will take our complacency and rip it to shreds, nuke the present day and salt the earth so that we are forced to give birth to something new, something better.
Love inspires songs about mountains. Hate blows a hole through those same mountains and builds an eight-lane highway running straight through them.
There's a lot to be said about the untapped potential of Hate. I'm not talking about blind rage or ignorant discrimination, but a focused, unbridled Hate that sits at the bottom of your throat, waiting to explode out of you like a volcano spewing molten lava.
Love is too weak and naive to ever make a difference. Put your faith in the power of Hate and allow it to walk you hand-in-hand to the Promised Land.
Nothing is greater than the movivating powers of hate. If you page through the history books, you'll see that it's been Hate, and not Love, that has been the great catalyst for change throughout the annals of history. Let me tell you about Love. Love is content. Love is lazy. Love is oblivious to the true nature of its own surroundings. Love can't change shit. It's Hate that will forge the future out of molten lead and steel. Hate will take our complacency and rip it to shreds, nuke the present day and salt the earth so that we are forced to give birth to something new, something better.
Love inspires songs about mountains. Hate blows a hole through those same mountains and builds an eight-lane highway running straight through them.
There's a lot to be said about the untapped potential of Hate. I'm not talking about blind rage or ignorant discrimination, but a focused, unbridled Hate that sits at the bottom of your throat, waiting to explode out of you like a volcano spewing molten lava.
Love is too weak and naive to ever make a difference. Put your faith in the power of Hate and allow it to walk you hand-in-hand to the Promised Land.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Going to the Movies is Pointless
Going to the movies is fucking pointless.
You wanna know why?
I'll tell you why. It's mainly because of all the fucking morons who you have to watch the movie with. The movie-watching experience has always included dipshits and inconsiderate assholes, but now it's almost unbearable to even attempt to sit through a movie at your local cinema because of the popularity of the most annoying piece of shit technology ever invented...the fucking iPhone.
Goddamn you iPhone people.
Listen, you only get until the previews start to play with your phone. That's it! Once the previews start, you're done. Put your piece of shit phone away before I jam it into your windpipe.
Why do you even have your phone out? You're here at the movies with your friends! Why don't you talk to the people you're out with instead of basically telling them, "You're dogshit. I'm going to ignore you and check my phone to see if I got a message from someone more important!" How rude and inconsiderate are you people? Exist in the present moment with live human beings...or have we lost that ability as a species?
Then you've got these inconsiderate butt plugs who have to keep opening their phone to check the time or God knows what they're fucking doing. So you're watching the movie, getting into it, when all of a sudden A BRIGHT, BLUE LIGHT ERUPTS TO YOUR LEFT! And you think, "Shit! Aliens have come to abduct me...oh wait...it's just some inconsiderate prick checking their phone. And there's another...and another...and another..."
What the fuck are you doing?! The movie will end when it fucking ends! Or here's an idea: BUY A FUCKING WATCH, TECHNO-FUCK! If you can pay $500 for a cell phone, I'm sure you can dish out a 20 for a cheap watch. Seriously people, can we please employ stupidity police to wander our cities beating the shit out of people who lack the common sense and courtesy to take their fellow human beings into consideration?
Here's the bottom line: A trip to the movies is an escape. For two hours, that movie is supposed to transport you to another world. How are you supposed to get lost in that world if you're anchored to the real world by your goddamn cell phone?
You wanna know why?
I'll tell you why. It's mainly because of all the fucking morons who you have to watch the movie with. The movie-watching experience has always included dipshits and inconsiderate assholes, but now it's almost unbearable to even attempt to sit through a movie at your local cinema because of the popularity of the most annoying piece of shit technology ever invented...the fucking iPhone.
Goddamn you iPhone people.
Listen, you only get until the previews start to play with your phone. That's it! Once the previews start, you're done. Put your piece of shit phone away before I jam it into your windpipe.
Why do you even have your phone out? You're here at the movies with your friends! Why don't you talk to the people you're out with instead of basically telling them, "You're dogshit. I'm going to ignore you and check my phone to see if I got a message from someone more important!" How rude and inconsiderate are you people? Exist in the present moment with live human beings...or have we lost that ability as a species?
Then you've got these inconsiderate butt plugs who have to keep opening their phone to check the time or God knows what they're fucking doing. So you're watching the movie, getting into it, when all of a sudden A BRIGHT, BLUE LIGHT ERUPTS TO YOUR LEFT! And you think, "Shit! Aliens have come to abduct me...oh wait...it's just some inconsiderate prick checking their phone. And there's another...and another...and another..."
What the fuck are you doing?! The movie will end when it fucking ends! Or here's an idea: BUY A FUCKING WATCH, TECHNO-FUCK! If you can pay $500 for a cell phone, I'm sure you can dish out a 20 for a cheap watch. Seriously people, can we please employ stupidity police to wander our cities beating the shit out of people who lack the common sense and courtesy to take their fellow human beings into consideration?
Here's the bottom line: A trip to the movies is an escape. For two hours, that movie is supposed to transport you to another world. How are you supposed to get lost in that world if you're anchored to the real world by your goddamn cell phone?
Dumbed Down Version: Leave your phones in the car when you're going to the movies if you're too addicted to your phone to leave it alone for two hours, you weak-minded piece of shit.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
How to Drive a Car
Is it just me or does no one know how to drive a car anymore? Honestly, am I the only one who knows how to drive correctly because it certainly seems that way. I can't drive 25 from my house anymore without wanting to toss a Molotov cocktail through someone's driver's side window. I think you should have to pass an IQ test in order to drive and, if you can't pass, you get to ride a moped to work. So for all you assholes on wheels out there, here are a few friendly reminders on how to operate your vehicle:
1) Press the fucking gas pedal
The gas pedal is the pedal located on the right near your feet in most vehicles. Please do not confuse it with the brake...yes, that's the brake...see how you're not moving? Oh, you're driving down a hill? It's the gas you want to press, not the brake...no, please stop braking...there's no one in front of you...what are you braking for? Drive...drive...DRIVE, ASSHOLE, DRIVE! Drive the fucking speed limit or else I will run up next to your car, punch through your window, and choke the life out of you while you're still rolling down the road ten miles under the speed limit.
2) Green means go, asshole
It seems some people need a reminder on the simple color code on traffic signals. Red means to stop your vehicle. Yellow means to quick speed up so I can get through the light, too. Green means to drive your fucking car. It's not a stop sign. You don't have to look both ways before you lightly press your dainty foot against the gas pedal. In fact, you don't have to look anywhere. All you have to do is DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR! You should also be looking at the signal, waiting for it to change. You shouldn't be checking the message on your phone or rubbing one out quick or whatever the hell it is that you're doing. Watch the signal and when it turns green, drive, dipshit. As my father used to say, It ain't gettin' any greener, BITCH!
3) The right lane is the designated lane for slow-driving dipshits
It seems like many people aren't aware of this rule, but, if you drive slow as balls, you actually belong in the right hand lane. This has been designated the asshole lane and it's where you belong. People who actually want to get where they're going before Armageddon rolls around belong in the left lanes or "passing lanes." If you're out for a nice stroll down a five-lane highway, you don't belong in the passing lanes on the left. No, you belong in your driveway sitting behind the wheel making motor sounds with your mouth. If that's not an option, then stay in the right lane, thanks. And to all those assholes behind me in the left lane, please don't fucking pass the slow ass bastard on the right because, by doing that, you prevent him/her from ever moving the fuck over and getting out of my way, making you an even bigger asshole...if you can believe such a thing exists...
So there's three simple rules to driving safely...and by safely, I mean I won't fire a flare gun through your open window when I pull up next to you at a light.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A Stupid Three Year Old Cunt Throws a Baseball...
...and the world goes fucking insane.
Are you serious?
Is this actually news?!
Why is it that for the past two days I haven't been able to turn on a television or radio without hearing about this dumbass dad who caught a foul ball at a Phillies' game and then gave the ball to his three-year-old daughter who then threw it back onto the field?
WHO FUCKING CARES?!
This is not news. If you want to talk about Pennsylvania news, let's talk about the fact that the state STILL doesn't have an approved budget. That seems more important than some fucking feel-good bullshit story about a foul ball.
Honestly, I can't believe that ANYBODY wants to hear about this story but someone must if the news monkeys keep chattering about it. I honestly just don't have a clue as to why this might be even slightly interesting. If I caught a foul ball at a baseball game, I'd throw it onto the field, too. Who wants a ball a bunch of fucking pussy baseball players played with? Fuck that. I wouldn't even bother to catch it. I'd just let it bean the asshole behind me in the face.
I guess the heart-warming part of this story is that the dad wasn't mad at the daughter. He just hugged her and smiled like some creepy pedophile after his daughter threw his prized ball out onto the field, but fuck, what was the guy going to do? Beat the shit out of his daughter while he was displayed to the world on the jumbotron? Of course he was going to hug her. He was waiting to get home to take the paddle to her stupid ass. At least the story might have been interesting if he would have picked her up and tossed her like a human javelin onto the field for being so fucking retarded, but I'm sorry, a hug is just not entertaining at all.
I'm bored just writing about this story. Wake me up when the next celebrity dies...
Are you serious?
Is this actually news?!
Why is it that for the past two days I haven't been able to turn on a television or radio without hearing about this dumbass dad who caught a foul ball at a Phillies' game and then gave the ball to his three-year-old daughter who then threw it back onto the field?
WHO FUCKING CARES?!
This is not news. If you want to talk about Pennsylvania news, let's talk about the fact that the state STILL doesn't have an approved budget. That seems more important than some fucking feel-good bullshit story about a foul ball.
Honestly, I can't believe that ANYBODY wants to hear about this story but someone must if the news monkeys keep chattering about it. I honestly just don't have a clue as to why this might be even slightly interesting. If I caught a foul ball at a baseball game, I'd throw it onto the field, too. Who wants a ball a bunch of fucking pussy baseball players played with? Fuck that. I wouldn't even bother to catch it. I'd just let it bean the asshole behind me in the face.
I guess the heart-warming part of this story is that the dad wasn't mad at the daughter. He just hugged her and smiled like some creepy pedophile after his daughter threw his prized ball out onto the field, but fuck, what was the guy going to do? Beat the shit out of his daughter while he was displayed to the world on the jumbotron? Of course he was going to hug her. He was waiting to get home to take the paddle to her stupid ass. At least the story might have been interesting if he would have picked her up and tossed her like a human javelin onto the field for being so fucking retarded, but I'm sorry, a hug is just not entertaining at all.
I'm bored just writing about this story. Wake me up when the next celebrity dies...
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