How to Drive a Car

Is it just me or does no one know how to drive a car anymore? Honestly, am I the only one who knows how to drive correctly because it certainly seems that way. I can't drive 25 from my house anymore without wanting to toss a Molotov cocktail through someone's driver's side window. I think you should have to pass an IQ test in order to drive and, if you can't pass, you get to ride a moped to work. So for all you assholes on wheels out there, here are a few friendly reminders on how to operate your vehicle:

1) Press the fucking gas pedal

The gas pedal is the pedal located on the right near your feet in most vehicles. Please do not confuse it with the brake...yes, that's the brake...see how you're not moving? Oh, you're driving down a hill? It's the gas you want to press, not the brake...no, please stop braking...there's no one in front of you...what are you braking for? Drive...drive...DRIVE, ASSHOLE, DRIVE! Drive the fucking speed limit or else I will run up next to your car, punch through your window, and choke the life out of you while you're still rolling down the road ten miles under the speed limit.

2) Green means go, asshole

It seems some people need a reminder on the simple color code on traffic signals. Red means to stop your vehicle. Yellow means to quick speed up so I can get through the light, too. Green means to drive your fucking car. It's not a stop sign. You don't have to look both ways before you lightly press your dainty foot against the gas pedal. In fact, you don't have to look anywhere. All you have to do is DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR! You should also be looking at the signal, waiting for it to change. You shouldn't be checking the message on your phone or rubbing one out quick or whatever the hell it is that you're doing. Watch the signal and when it turns green, drive, dipshit. As my father used to say, It ain't gettin' any greener, BITCH!

3) The right lane is the designated lane for slow-driving dipshits

It seems like many people aren't aware of this rule, but, if you drive slow as balls, you actually belong in the right hand lane. This has been designated the asshole lane and it's where you belong. People who actually want to get where they're going before Armageddon rolls around belong in the left lanes or "passing lanes." If you're out for a nice stroll down a five-lane highway, you don't belong in the passing lanes on the left. No, you belong in your driveway sitting behind the wheel making motor sounds with your mouth. If that's not an option, then stay in the right lane, thanks. And to all those assholes behind me in the left lane, please don't fucking pass the slow ass bastard on the right because, by doing that, you prevent him/her from ever moving the fuck over and getting out of my way, making you an even bigger asshole...if you can believe such a thing exists...

So there's three simple rules to driving safely...and by safely, I mean I won't fire a flare gun through your open window when I pull up next to you at a light.

A Stupid Three Year Old Cunt Throws a Baseball...

...and the world goes fucking insane.

Are you serious?

Is this actually news?!

Why is it that for the past two days I haven't been able to turn on a television or radio without hearing about this dumbass dad who caught a foul ball at a Phillies' game and then gave the ball to his three-year-old daughter who then threw it back onto the field?

WHO FUCKING CARES?!

This is not news. If you want to talk about Pennsylvania news, let's talk about the fact that the state STILL doesn't have an approved budget. That seems more important than some fucking feel-good bullshit story about a foul ball.

Honestly, I can't believe that ANYBODY wants to hear about this story but someone must if the news monkeys keep chattering about it. I honestly just don't have a clue as to why this might be even slightly interesting. If I caught a foul ball at a baseball game, I'd throw it onto the field, too. Who wants a ball a bunch of fucking pussy baseball players played with? Fuck that. I wouldn't even bother to catch it. I'd just let it bean the asshole behind me in the face.

I guess the heart-warming part of this story is that the dad wasn't mad at the daughter. He just hugged her and smiled like some creepy pedophile after his daughter threw his prized ball out onto the field, but fuck, what was the guy going to do? Beat the shit out of his daughter while he was displayed to the world on the jumbotron? Of course he was going to hug her. He was waiting to get home to take the paddle to her stupid ass. At least the story might have been interesting if he would have picked her up and tossed her like a human javelin onto the field for being so fucking retarded, but I'm sorry, a hug is just not entertaining at all.

I'm bored just writing about this story. Wake me up when the next celebrity dies...

Our Country is Run by a Bunch of Clowns

What a sad, sad world we live in...

I'm sorry, but it's become painfully obvious that our country is run by a bunch of fucking idiot clowns. The people making important decisions in this country are so fucking stupid it terrifies me as an intelligent individual. I fear for the survival of America as we know it.

Want evidence? Check out this video of Obama's speech to congress concerning health care reform: http://www.wtvr.com/wtvr-cantor-texting-during-obama-speech,0,6447077.story

Unfortunately for the Republican party, both of these assholes are members of their party. Republicans are getting angrier and more desperate by the day after the complete annihilation of their party at the hands of Bush Jr. This kind of bullshit doesn't help.

One of the members of our government felt the best way to voice his displeasure with our president was to scream out, "You lie!" in the middle of his speech. That's fucking childish. Joe Wilson, you, sir, are a fucking moron and should be removed from your position and replaced by a super-intelligent duck or parrot that would probably do just as good of a job.

Then you have this other fucking brain-dead asshole, Eric Cantor, sitting in the front row texting his fucking brains out when he should be paying attention to Obama's speech. And I highly doubt he was taking notes on his Blackberry. BULLSHIT! He was probably updating his Twitter page or something equally as stupid.

Obama brushed off Wilson's outburst by saying, "We all make mistakes." No. Not good enough. If you're a member of our government charged with the responsibility of running this country, you shouldn't be making mistakes like that. I wouldn't expect a high school senior to make mistakes like this. If you make mistakes on that level, you should be fucking tossed out on your ass, beheaded, and your empty skull should be placed on a fucking pike on the White House lawn.

If these are the people in charge of running our country, then maybe it's time to rethink our government. I certainly don't see enough leaders available to justify congress and the house any longer. I say each state gets one representative and that's that. I pray to God we can come up with at least 50 leaders in this country but even that's wishful thinking. In the end, the bottom line is that we're all fucked...

The Two-Party System has Failed Us

There are two major problems in this country right now that must be eliminated immediately:

The first is Democrats.
The second is Republicans.

If we can just eliminate these two problems, we'll all be much better off.

Never has this been more clear than now during the health care war underway in this country. To call it a "debate" is a total understatement. Watch any of the town hall meetings on television and tell me we aren't on the brink of mass hysteria. These republicans are crazed about health care reform...and no, it's not because they don't approve of health care reform (Can anyone disagree that the current system is completely fucked?), but they're pissed because their "team" is losing right now and they're going to do anything they can to make sure Democrats don't succeed because that would make their "team" look bad.

Look, I'm not a democrat or a republican. I am a registered independent voter so I honestly don't have an agenda blue or red.

The problem with the two-party system is that it promotes "team politics." What happens when you turn political parties into teams? Well, common sense goes out the window and, instead of individuals voting on what's right or wrong, you have individuals voting to promote their team's integrity. It doesn't matter if the right man gets into office as long as your team wins. Then you can brag about how your team was victorious and you can feel like you've accomplished something when you really haven't done shit.

Want proof the system is fucked? Anyone remember the 2000 election between Bush II and Ecoman? We had two mediocre candidates (at best) vying for the presidency of the most powerful nation on the planet and we all know how that turned out. So basically if Hitler came back to life and ran Republican and Satan materialized and ran Democrat with Ross Perot as an independent candidate, we'd be looking at Hitler or Satan as president because everyone in America has been brainwashed into believing that voting independent is "throwing your vote away." I wonder who started that fallacy? Hmm...

Look, we need either 1000 parties or one party. With 1000 parties, Americans would be forced to take an interest in politics and actually know something about the people they're voting for. Of course, that's never going to happen so I actually support the alternative: one party. Wait...isn't that a dictatorship? You're damn right it is and it's exactly what America needs right now. Instead of the country being run by a bunch of dipshits, let's just let one really smart guy run things. I support it 100%. Maybe something would actually get done in this country.

Right now, we have a government of Republicans and Democrats poking each other in the eye and doing what's right for their party instead of what's right for their country. Let's pull all their heads out of the asses of the Big Blue Donkey and the Big Red Elephant and put these clowns back to work for their true masters: you and me.