Why Weddings Suck

I'm at that annoying age where everyone I know is making the mistake of getting married, and, unfortunately, they invite me and I feel obligated to go. There is NOTHING I hate worse than weddings. They're cliche, uncomfortable events that will most likely end in divorce, and the worst part is that if it leads to divorce, there's the chance there could be another wedding...kill me.

The real problem with weddings is that if you've been to one wedding, you've been to every wedding you'll ever attend. They all include the same, unnecessary bullshit that makes you want to choke out the groom with the bride's garter. Why do weddings suck so badly? Here are three major reasons:

#1: Maid-of-Honor speeches where the chick can't make it through the speech without sobbing and crying like a fucking stupid bitch

"I just wanted (sob) I just wanted to say that (sniffle) I just wanted to say that I am so happy Stacy (tears streaming down face) that Stacy finally found someone (hysterical bawling) - I'm sorry - I promised myself I wouldn't do this..."

But you broke your promise, bitch, so you should sit down and shut the fuck up so we can finally eat the dog shit they're about to serve! Seriously, if you can't make it through your bullshit speech without crying, then you don't get to give one. At the first sign of a sniffle or snot stream, the microphone should be ripped from the chick's hand, she should be punched in the ovaries, and the food should be served. Besides, we all know that cunt secretly hates the bride for being the one getting married while she still lives alone in her apartment with her dog that she's trained to lick peanut butter off her pussy lips. Shut up and serve the food...

#2: Dancing

Unless you're black or Latino, money should not be wasted on a DJ or a reception hall large enough to contain a dance floor. It's pointless. If it's a mostly Caucasian wedding, here's what will happen: The DJ (who looks like a pedophile in a tuxedo) will start to play cliche wedding songs (Celebration, The Electric Slide, YMCA, other crap...) and 90% of the guests will sit in their chairs and look awkward while the drunk people and club rats dance poorly (because they're white) for two or three songs and then abandon the dance floor, leaving the dance floor empty and the pedophile DJ with nothing to do but attempt to find the best-looking underage teen he can trick into the back of his van with promises of a free iPod. It's a waste of money. Plus, the music will be so fucking loud that the people who aren't dancing (97% of your guests after the initial surge) won't be able to hear each other or interact in any way. Save the money on the DJ and order a nacho fountain instead. You won't be sorry...

(Disclaimer: If you're going to be hosting a mostly Caucasian wedding and you plan on having dancing, never, under any circumstances, invite black people or a gay guy to your wedding. They will only magnify the whiteness of your other guests by 200%. Lesbians are ok because everyone knows dykes can't dance.)

#3: Glassing Tinging

TINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTINGTING TING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's that noise? It's the sound of dozens of assholes making demands at YOUR wedding! The most annoying wedding tradition has to be the one where guests strike their glasses with silverware until the bride and groom kiss. This isn't a fucking hostage negotiation. You don't tell me what to do at my wedding, assholes! If I want to kiss my stupid bitch wife it'll be because I'm drunk and horny, not because a couple of overzealous perverts are attacking the wine flutes. What? If you start pounding your plates off the table, does that mean I have to toss her salad while you watch? Does it? You'd like that, wouldn't you, you fucking twisted bastards. You make me sick...

So if you plan on getting married, don't include any of these disastrous activities on your special day. In my next blog, I'll instruct you on how to have a kick-ass, hardcore wedding that will be carved into the minds of your guests for all eternity and, yes, the festivities do include animal sacrifices. Stay tuned...