Face it Black People: America Hates Mexicans Now!

Black people who act like assholes and then claim they get in trouble because they're black are...well...assholes.

If this whole Officer Crawley/Professor Gates arrest debacle has taught America anything it's that black people aren't done feeling sorry for themselves yet. Now, I'm not claiming that racism is extinct (it never will be), but black people need to realize that they can't play the race card anymore. You're simply NOT ALLOWED to play it anymore; it's off the table. On January 20, 2009, all the excuses officially came to an end when Barack Obama became President of the United States. Before that day, the following were acceptable:

I didn't get accepted into the college I wanted...must be because I'M BLACK!

I didn't get that big raise at work...must be because I'M BLACK!

Now that shit doesn't work. You're black and you didn't get something you wanted? Well, must be because you suck. If a black man can become president, then I'm pretty sure that means a black man, with a little hard work, can acheive pretty much anything...no more excuses. One of the reasons so many white people voted for Obama was so this entire race thing would finally come to an end. Black people have made it, you've succeeded...you've acheived equality...quit playing the race card and take some responsibility for your failures. Tell Jesse Jackson to shut the hell up.

Shit, black people aren't even the most hated minority in America anymore. Latinos are treated way worse than blacks. How close are we to having a Latino become president? Answer: a ways. If one tried, there would be millions claiming he/she should be deported for taking an American's job.

I know black people will claim that I'm a racist for writing this (even though I'm a Native American/Irish/Eskimo albino Jew), but I'm not. I'm just sick of all this race bullshit as I believe most Millenials - people born between 1980 and 2000 - are equally sick of people bitching about their race and about how "whitey" is out to get them. We're over it. The only people I hate are stupid people, and stupidity knows no color, religious, or gender boundaries.

Dumbed Down Version: Kill Whitey...

The Most Annoying Songs of Summer 2009 (Part III: With a Vengeance)

The #1 most annoying song of the summer: "Do You Know Your Enemy?" by Green Day

I know I'm going to take a lot of heat for targeting Green Day (since apparently they're God split into three guys with musical instruments), but their song "Do you know your enemy?" is by far the most uninspired, over hyped, overplayed piece of flaming dog turd of a song I've ever heard. For anyone who hasn't been around the radio for the past three months or anyone whose ears were gnawed off by rabid squirrels, let me describe the song for you. It goes like this...

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?"

"Do you know your enemy?" x 26

It says that shit 26 times in a row - 26 fucking times - to start the song. By then you're so fucking bored and pissed off, you can't pay attention long enough to learn if there are any other words besides the title of the song in the damn song.

This song represents everything that is wrong with popular music today. Everyone walked around beating off to "American Idiot" in 2004 because Green Day took shots at George Bush. Wow...taking shots at Bush...how original and PUNK ROCK! Now, since all the critics love them, they could literally record an album of a 500-lb. woman queefing into a microphone for 64 minutes and it would still become the #1 album in the universe based on nothing more than reputation. The Beatles did the same thing with "Yellow Submarine." They dropped a shitload of acid and just said, "Let's write a song about whatever our acid-soaked brains can conjure up and say the same thing over and over again and see if people are stupid enough to think it's awesome." Guess what? They did.

Green Day's album, 21st century breakdown, was the #1 record in America BEFORE IT WAS EVEN RELEASED. How is that even possible? You mean to tell me it was the best album in the country before anyone even heard it? You tell me that isn't the perfect example of sheep mentality this country has to offer. The song sucks. Green Day sucks. Anyone who likes them sucks. Anyone who wants to point out that the song debuted in April and shouldn't be included in "songs of the summer" sucks. Fuck you. Fuck you. You're cool. Fuck you. I'm out.

Dumbed Down Version: Do you know your enemy? Yes, I do. It's Green Day. Fuck them.

The Most Annoying Songs of Summer 2009 (Part II)

#2: "Boom Boom Pow" by The Black Eyed Peas

"Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas is the most overplayed piece of shit...ever. I hate this song so much that, instead of including a picture of the band, I've instead displayed a picture of a bunch of actual black-eyed peas. Take that, Fergie!

Seriously, though, "Boom Boom Pow" isn't really any worse than any other repetitive pop song, but it is so goddamn overplayed that it overshadows any of those other songs and transcends the boundary separating songs I would wipe my ass with and songs I would use to plug Oprah's asshole after an all-you-can-eat rib buffet during her heavy flow period day. That's right; "Boom Boom Pow" belongs in Oprah's anal crevice.

This song is literally every third song on the radio (usually played between 3oh!3's "Don't Trust Me" and The Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta Feeling"). Here's an actual transcript from an anonymous radio station:

"That was The Black Eyed Peas with "Boom Boom Pow." Now we have to play 37 minutes of commercials, but when we get back we'll hit you up with some "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas."

See? They're just playing this shit too much. After listening to the radio at work for a few weeks, I've realized the formula for writing a successful pop song:

Step One: Write a song that is nothing but four minutes of chorus.

Step Two: Make sure the song is played on the radio 678 times a day until it drills its way into the listeners' cerebral cortex, forcing listeners to forget the name of their state senators but ensuring they'll be humming your song for weeks.

Step Three: Jerk off with hundred dollar bills wrapped around your cock.

And it's that simple. Radio stations, please, for the love of Buddha, please stop playing this song...I just can't take it anymore...

Dumbed Down Version: I'm so 3000 and 8. You're so 2000 and late...

The Most Annoying Songs of Summer 2009 (Part I)

Every summer has a soundtrack, and, like most soundtracks, this summer's soundtrack sucks dick. Over the next three days, I'm going to count down the three worst songs of Summer 2K9 listed from least most annoying to most most annoying (Disregard the fact that the summer is only half over. I can only pray nothing more annoying is released before the end of August):

#3: "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3

First of all, you know this band is going to suck harder than an Argentinan whore at Mark Sandford's birthday party simply by their name. It's not 3O3 or even 3OH3 but 3Oh!3. God, that exclamation point is so punk rock! Retarded...

Second, do you see the picture of the woman on the right? Does she look like a woman who's going to start any kind of dance craze (It's Helen Keller by the way)? This is a woman who wasn't smart enough to see or hear. If she even attempted to dance, she would trip over a stool and snap her neck. Her last words would be, "Wah-wah!"

So please explain to me why a band would include the following lyrics in their song:

"Shush girl, shut your lips,
Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips."

What the fuck?! When I first heard this song, I honestly thought it was a joke song the radio had written. At the time I thought it was pretty funny. Then I found out it was a real song, and I was sad for Helen Keller. Hasn't the poor woman suffered enough without 3oh!3 including her in their shitty song? Since Helen Keller can't speak (mainly because she's dead), I will speak on her behalf: Fuck you, 3oh!3. I wish I was deaf. Then I wouldn't be forced to listen to your shittastic song on the radio at work. Although, I'm sure even signed, the song would suck dick.

Dumbed Down Version: WAH-WAH!

Fuck God...Let's Worship Celebrities!

People who worship celebrities are assholes.

If this Michael Jackson circus has proven anything, it has provided undeniable proof that our country's obsession with celebrities is beyond out of control. An entertainer died, which, in the overall scheme of things is barely a pimple on the ass of History, and our country's top news organizations completely shut down and dedicate every single second of their coverage to the death of this walking freakshow.

FUCK YOU, oppressed people of Iran! MJ is dead!

FUCK YOU, citizens of planet Earth! Who gives a shit what the leaders of the most powerful countries on the planet have to say at the G8 convention?! The King of Pop has fallen!

FUCK YOU, soldiers who will be invading North Korea in the near future! Kim Jong Il can't moonwalk so he doesn't matter!

Now, some people will argue that it's not the media's fault. They're just showing what the American people want to see. This is true. America is full of morons. The ancient Greeks had their gods of Mount Olympus. We have our celebrities of the Hollywood hills.

But just because a majority of people are celebrity-worshipping dipshits doesn't mean you have to cater to their insatiable appetites for celebrity bullshit. If you're the father of a retarded five-year old and he wants to watch a triple-penetration porno instead of Sesame Street, should you let him watch that just because that's what he wants? No. As the responsible parent who knows what's best for your retard child, you should stand your ground and not give in to what's "popular."

The media has a responsibility to maintain the dignity and credibility of the news. Showing 24/7 coverage of MJ's death destroys that credibility and turns a respected news outlet into TMZ. If you plaster celebrities over the news, stupid people will think these self-centered assholes are more important than they really are. Let's knock these spotlight-obsessed megalomaniacs out of the clouds and bring them back down to earth.

Dumbed Down Version: If you think Kim Kardashian is more important than Kim Jong Il, you're a fucking moron.

Michael Jackson: More Annoying in Death Than He Ever Was in Life

People who think Michael Jackson's death has any significance whatsoever are assholes.

I thought the media's obsession with Michael Jackson's death would fade after his ridiculously expensive (1.4 million taxpayer dollars) and unnecessary memorial service, but then I turned on the news this morning and the first thing I saw was an EXCLUSIVE interview with MJ's personal dermatologist (HOLY SHIT! What a treat!). The Thriller video has become reality because this asshole just won't stay dead.

The thing I don't understand is that before June 25, MJ was relatively irrelevant. He was nothing more than a hilarious card in the game of Apples to Apples (If you've played the game, you know what I'm talking about). Let's be honest here: the man hadn't done anything of consequence for almost 15 years. He was a walking punchline, a freakshow who eventually fled the country and his precious Neverland Ranch after the incessant, non-stop hounding by the media. Then he dies and all of a sudden the media loves him and won't shut up about how innovative and entertaining MJ was - the greatest entertainer who ever lived.

I guess it's true: If you want to be smothered with compliments, all you have to do is die.

Forget the fact that the media directly contributed to his death since their campaign to personally annihilate "Wacko Jacko" most likely led to his heavy dependence on drugs which led to his eventual death. I didn't hear anyone on Fox News suggest that theory...

So then everyone's talking about tributes and memorials and I can't help thinking to myself, "Does he really deserve any of this?" What did he do? He was an entertainer. He sang, he danced, he grabbed his balls. So what? I grab my balls all the time, and no one seems to care. Did he cure cancer? Was he a religious figure or a great leader of men? No. He was a fucking entertainer. I remember back in 2007 I mourned Kurt Vonnegut's death (So it goes...) and barely anyone knew who the fuck he was! Great literature is a significant contribution to mankind - moonwalking is not (At least not if you're on Earth).

Long live the King of Pop? Nah. Good riddance.

Dumbed Down Version: Michael Jackson is dead and I don't care.

Mission Statement

The mission of The Asshole Alert is simple: Our mission is to make use of the written word to condemn asinine behavior and provide individuals with a sanctuary for common sense.

It is a place where stupidity is punished and those guilty of idiotic behavior are justifiably slandered.It exists as a fortress for those dwindling numbers of enlightened individuals who are aware that a cloud of mediocrity is slowly engulfing this once great country of ours and transforming it into a playground for immorality and ignorance. While individuals of intelligence stand on the sidelines and silently claim, "There's nothing I can do" through their unwillingness to act, The Asshole Alert stands proudly as a beacon of hope for all individuals who demand a more enlightened and educated population who will one day march proudly to the Promised Land.

Dumbed Down Version: We make fun of stupid people here.